Lazlo's Closet

WARNING: What you are about to read will be buried in hyperbole.

Sometimes it’s difficult to excoriate a person when they are undoubtedly attempting to be self-deprecating–a personality trait some find rather sweet. I don’t find it sweet. It’s the first refuge for human refuse. Making fun of yourself is a pitiful measure exacted by the basest, loathsome individuals found on planet Earth. These despicable souls have faith in the notion that by acting overly humble to the point of deliberately presenting themselves as unsavory or gauche, it somehow will insulate them from actually having to face the unvarnished truth: They suck at life.

Exhibit A: Overly Attached Girlfriend (currently 6 million plus views and counting).

I don’t rightly recall how I found this travesty of a video. I must have been in the process of watching some other YouTube post, when out of the corner of my gaze, I was inexorably drawn to this young girl’s face–likely by her mutant eyes that may or may not be portals to an alternate dimension where a race of terrifically untalented humanoids rule the universe. Regardless of the hazy circumstances that caused me to be suddenly looking upon her, there I was–staring into the abyss otherwise known as Laina Walker, otherwise known as the Overly Attached Girlfriend, otherwise known as the circus freak show girl who resembles a much younger, much less attractive Sigourney Weaver after twelve straight days of electroshock therapy and cocaine binges. The last one isn’t official yet, but I’m floating it as a trial balloon. You like?

Let’s just get all the face jokes out of the way shall we? Yes we shall. Alright, maybe she’s not ugly per se, but jeepers creepers look at those fucking peepers! To say they’re big and creepy would be like saying that the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters was big and creepy. Her facial expression, even while relaxed, has the appearance of being in a perpetual state of surprise, bewilderment or getting sodomized by a pacific blue whale–although, one would imagine that those first two would be unavoidable if the third was happening. I mean, Medusa would be scared shitless to look at this bitch for Pete’s sake! Honestly, I know a guy named Pete and it’s literally for his sake. He has a weak stomach. Also, what’s with Laina’s pallid complexion? Her skin tone is is so pasty she has to apply the contents of a used condom for concealer. Her freckles would probably help only if they didn’t look like a hamster spray-farted on a marker board. I have heard of a rare disease where people are allergic to sunlight, however in Laina’s case I would presume she has never even been made aware of it’s existence at all.

Clearly, one thing Laina Walker has been made aware of is her intensely unsettling stare and the kooky idea to plaster it on the web in hopes her disfigurement would make her a viral celebrity. I’m so very glad that she has learned to accept and even embrace her deformity. Though I am curious to find out what ultimately tipped her off about her ability to get the attention of millions by simply looking into a web cam and performing a song parody. It has to be obvious to Laina that her singing and sense of humor weren’t responsible for over six million hits. Not to mention that this girl’s voice sounds like the screams of ten thousand Japanese children in unison as they were melted alive by the nuclear blast at Nagasaki. Truth be told, changing the lyrics to a popular tune and badly belting it out in front of a camera is extremely common these days and requires as much dexterity as wiping your own ass–less even. Except if you’re a dwarf. Or armless.

So what was the tipping point? Was it she finally realized after so many years why her friends always asked her to take the picture during group photos? Perhaps it was her parents? Every Halloween, Laina’s folks suggested she go out trick-or-treating as Jason from Friday the 13th. As a young child they would read her “The Ugly Duckling” at bedtime until she fell asleep, they also forbade her to get within 10 feet of any reflective surfaces. The odd encouragement for Laina to convert to Islam by giving her a Hijab as a stocking stuffer every year for Christmas, who knows? Whatever got her to understand that she could benefit off of looking like a sick, genetic experiment gone devastatingly awry is inconsequential. Laina Walker, the “Overly Attached Girlfriend” has arrived! Hey, if you got it flaunt it.

But she claims that the impetus behind making the video was to win some Justin Bieber contest, be put in one of his music videos and toss his salad after he takes a sticky dump. I’m not buying it. I believe that the Bieber story is a cover-up to belie a government conspiracy, formulated by a clandestine, dark-ops arm of the military that specializes in discovering, intercepting and detaining hybrid aliens with the capability to telekinetically manipulate the minds of the masses. Laina was then forced to produce the song parody and encrypted in every word is a subliminal code that instructs all that view it to vote for Barack Obama in 2012.

Seriously, the stalker angle was kinda neat, but not exactly original. She frankly doesn’t deserve a lot of credit in any form due to the fact that Laina is not talented. She’s not witty, interesting or very amusing. She did a “Call Me Maybe” parody too. Good grief! I will admit she’s got quite a realistic chance at becoming the first female to appear on an episode of “To Catch a Predator” that wasn’t used as the bait. There is something to say for the fact that Laina has the most impressive “rape face” on any known chick up to now, but, I have little respect for a person of any gender that exploits their lack of skill or attractiveness to curry favor and attention. Laina is stooping so low that she’s even willing to provide a link on her YouTube channel that prompts you to turn her freaky stalker face into a meme. And we all know how fun memes are right? This is a practice that is becoming all too familiar in today’s society and it continues to water down a drowning culture that can’t swim.

The desperation to get famous knows no boundaries. Oh, please remember to share this blog with all of your friends on Facebook and Twitter!